By Emalee Gillis, Nami Spokane Blog Editor.
“At his low point, my grandson, Kahlil, made antennae out of foil that he put on his head to try to hear the voices better. During that period, the police clocked him at driving 100 mph,” said Deborah Cano of Spokane. “That is a far cry from where he is today with a full-time, fulfilling job living independently in his own apartment.”
Deborah has played a big role in Kahlil’s life throughout the years. As he grew up, she lived down the street from him and his mom. As he moved through the school years, she celebrated his good grades in honors classes and that he was captain of his debate team. She enjoyed his outgoing personality. He had everything going for him as he set off for college. His life changed dramatically when, just before Christmas of his sophomore year in college, at the age of 19, he began to have delusions.
During his first psychotic break, Kahlil believed he was a personal ambassador for Jesus Christ, to represent Him on the planet. Other times he believed he was Jesus. With each psychotic episode, he heard voices that no one else could hear, and he was paranoid. At first, Deborah felt in denial. She knew he had done mushrooms and LSD and hoped the symptoms would disappear when the drugs were out of his system. But, the symptoms persisted. In retrospect, Deborah can see she made mistakes. She tried to argue with him about reality and she learned later that those arguments are never helpful.
Deborah as well as Kahlil’s parents, were not able to get him to access care, so eventually the family had to call the police. The police handcuffed him and took him to a five-day evaluation at Kalispel Treatment Center. He was started on medications and his condition stabilized. Deborah and his parents visited him every night at the treatment center. Other family members also joined them. They stopped arguing with him and kept it light. They played games.
“We let him know that no matter what was happening, he had our support 100 percent,” said Deborah.
Kahlil was discharged with a diagnosis of schizophrenia which, over time, did not prove to be accurate. In addition, the treatment center did not provide him with a medication prescription to be filled upon discharge, which Deborah felt was a serious oversight on their part. It took a few days to get the prescriptions for the medications Kahlil needed.
Kahlil’s mom was able to get Kahlil in to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. Kahlil had stabilized, so he went back to Bellingham to school.
“Going back to school was a disaster,” Deborah said. Although he was plugged into the health service in Bellingham and was taking medications, he also took marijuana. It threw him off kilter. He didn’t like the side effects of the medication. He felt numb and blunted and without emotions. He decided that his manic self was who he really was, so he went off the medications.
He became suicidal and cut his wrists. He sold his saxophone and bike. His roommate moved out. He wasn’t going to class. He punched holes in his walls and spray-painted his apartment. Feeling a need to drive home, he drove while psychotic. That is when the police clocked him at going 100 mph in his car. Kahlil was very belligerent to the cops and they took him to jail. The police incident was the last straw for the family. They knew he could not be safe in Bellingham. They moved him back to Spokane.
One good thing that came out of the police incident was he had to have his urine tested regularly, so he could no longer take drugs like marijuana. He also had to blow into a device on his steering wheel to make sure he didn’t have alcohol on board, so he couldn’t drink either. Living drug and alcohol-free was a critical step in his eventual healing.
The move back to Spokane was the beginning of a challenging time that lasted three years. Kahlil was frustrated by his medications. He felt they made him feel like a zombie, so he would go off them. Other times he was delusional. He would call Deborah or his parents in the middle of the night or early in the morning, filled with anger towards them. He would call over and over and wouldn’t make sense. The family did some tough love. Eventually, Deborah had to shut her phone off at night, because dealing with those late night phone calls was exhausting. Kahlil went to live with his Dad for a year.
As that difficult period continued, one of the major ways Deborah was supportive to the family was being a sounding board for her daughter. She let her daughter vent to her as much as she needed. Deborah also let Kahlil live with her for a period of time.
As Kahlil continued to be noncompliant with his medications, Deborah came to the realization that she couldn’t make him do anything. As time dragged on, Deborah began to fear that Kahlil would end up on the streets.
Over time, Kahlil returned to his medications and began to learn to advocate for himself. He found a provider that helped him access a medication that had fewer side effects.
Kahlil watched his friends graduate from college and get good jobs. He didn’t feel like he had anything in common with them. His self-esteem was very low, but he was stable. He got a job in construction, but Kahlil is a mix of black and white and the racist comments he heard on site made him quit that job.
Deborah was looking with Kahlil at potential jobs online when they came across an ad for a peer counselor with Frontier Behavioral Health. One of the requirements for the job was lived experience with a mental health condition. The job only required a high school degree with some college preferred. Kahlil applied to the job with trepidation. He was so afraid he wasn’t worthy of being hired.
Kahlil got the job. He now works with kids up to 18 years old who are struggling with a mental health condition. He does not provide counseling. He hangs with them and lets them vent and if appropriate, he might share something of himself. The kids love him. He is thoughtful, kind and has a sense of humor. While Kahlil was ill, he got tattoos including some on his face. The kids love his tattoos and think he is really cool. They love playing with him and research has shown that peer counselors are very helpful to their clients.
Kahlil has held that job for three years now. He loves it. The job has allowed him to be financially independent and he handles all of his bills for his apartment and his life. He sometimes thinks about returning to school and is weighing his options.
Deborah feels that the keys to Kahlil’s success were his own character and 100 percent family support. The misadventure of getting stopped by cops and having consequences for that also helped. His ability to move through the fog created by his medication was critical to his success, too.
“Kahlil knows that we are there for him always. That means a lot,” said Deborah.
Deborah said she is proud of how Kahlil has taken full ownership of his illness, but she confessed that if she gets a late phone call from him, she gets scared. She knows that at any time, he could have another episode. The family still has some PTSD from the hard experiences.
Early in Kahlil’s journey, Deborah and her daughter took NAMI’s Family-to-Family class. Deborah found it very useful. She learned what is helpful and what is not helpful for family members experiencing a mental health condition. Before she took the course, Deborah didn’t know anyone else in her situation. She realized that she was not alone. Hearing other people’s stories was healing.
“The NAMI course was like balm on my soul,” Deborah said. “The people in the class learned exactly how I feel and I know how they feel. We could let our shoulders down.”
She found the class so helpful that she became a facilitator for the NAMI Spokane Family-to-family course. She also facilitates the family support groups on Saturdays.
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The NAMI support group for family members of those with a mental health condition, meets in-person on the third Saturday from 10 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the NAMI offices at 152 S Jefferson Street and virtually on the third Tuesday from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. To register for the in-person group, click here, although participants can go to the in-person group without registering. To register for the virtual group, click here.
The next 8 week course for family members of those with mental health conditions will be offered Fall 2024 on Saturday afternoons. To register, send an email to Amanda Kaplan at amanda@namispokane.org. The support groups and 8 week courses are offered free of charge.
Deborah Cano was a nurse educator for neonatal and pediatric populations for 20 years. She is also active in social justice. She cofacilitates NAMI Spokane’s Family-to-Family course and the in-person family support groups.
Emalee Gillis is a writer and blog editor. She is the author of the memoir Adventures on the Path to Living Well with a Mental Illness and has a related TEDx Talk.