By Emalee Gillis, NAMI Spokane Blog Editor.
According to Katie Anderson, a licensed mental health counselor in Spokane, parents should start talking with kids about mental health as soon as their children can talk. In this article, Katie shares how that conversation changes from the toddler years to the young adult years and why it is important. She also talks about how parents can model good mental health practices to their children. Katie also explains how parents can help ease the process of returning to school after summer break.
Katie encourages parents to begin conversations about mental health in the toddler and preschool years. At this point in the child’s development, the conversation should focus on educating the child about the parts that make up their bodies and minds. Help them understand that feelings, thoughts and sensations are parts of them and they are parts of everyone. The goal is to normalize feelings, thoughts and sensations.
For example, a parent can explain to their child that when things happen in a child’s day they will have feelings about it. For example, when a child plays with a favorite toy, they will have a feeling and it will probably be a happy feeling. Their mouth may turn up and their eye brows may turn up, too. When a sibling takes that toy, the child’s mouth and eyebrows may go down and the feeling may turn to sadness. The adult can explain that people tend to feel sad when they lose something. That is what is going on. These are feelings in your heart. This explanation should be matter of fact, not presented as a negative or positive.
Katie explained that mental health is about feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. Parents can help their children understand each of these parts of themselves. For example, parents can explain that words in your heads are thoughts. Those words might be that a cloud is shaped like an elephant. Those words in our head tells us things all day long. Parents can matter of factly point out the feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations that the child may be expressing.
Also in the toddler and preschool years, Katie encourages parents to read their child books and expose them to shows that talk about feelings, thoughts and body sensations. For example, there is a series about Daniel Tiger. If your child is feeling left out, the parent can remind the child that when Daniel Tiger felt left out, he said he was feeling sad and his tummy hurt. The parent can then ask the child if he is feeling the way Daniel Tiger did. According to Katie, it is easier to talk to kids about feelings if you have a base of stories and characters to refer back to.
In the elementary years, Katie explained, things get more complex and it is important for parents to normalize this growing complexity. Parents can continue to build the idea that thoughts, feelings and body sensations work together to help us manage our days. For example, if a favorite playmate suddenly told your child that he didn’t want to play with him, it would be strange if your child felt the feeling of happiness and had the thought that this is wonderful. The thoughts and feelings wouldn’t match reality. Instead, it would match reality if the child felt sad and had the thought that his feelings were hurt and his body slumped. If this happened, the body is in tune with reality and this enables the child to process what happened and make a plan. The child may have the thought that this isn’t fair and maybe the child will decide to play with someone else and he will recognize that he is okay. Here, the child successfully digested a more difficult emotion.
In elementary school, Katie shared, kids are going to have a broader range of thoughts feelings, and sensations that match reality. The child should be encouraged to move within them. However, if a feeling or sensation becomes unproductive and the child is stuck, like for example if a child should be stuck on the thought that they should not have friends because they are not a good person, it may be time to get help. Parents can encourage their children to keep thoughts and feelings productive. The child needs to learn how to work with emotions and thoughts as life gets more complex socially and educationally.
In the middle and high school years, Katie explained, the child is growing and developing and changing hormonally. Everything is getting more complex. Parents can normalize that complexity. More complex thoughts, feelings, and body sensations are part of the middle and high school years. The goal is not to avoid any of thoughts, feelings and body sensations and not to get stuck in any of them. If the child becomes stuck it may be time to get help from a professional. When mental health gets in the way of functioning in daily life, it is called functional impairment. For example, if sadness is not matching reality and it is sticking around, parents can encourage their child to get help. Other signals that could indicate a need to get more help include a sudden change in patterns like a sudden drop in grades, new sleep disruptions, changes in friendships, or a eating pattern change. The most important message at this time is helping kids listen to and manage their thoughts, feelings and body sensations.
Katie then moved on to talk about young adults and the launching period. She stressed that it is supposed to be uncomfortable, awkward and scary. It is not a sign of doing it wrong if the parent or young adult is uncomfortable. The parent can communicate that it is not expected that the child will be adulting perfectly. At this time the primary relationship moves from parents to peers. The young adults should be the primary drivers of their mental health. Hopefully, the parents have given the child more and more reins over time. At this stage, parents can encourage their adult children to tune into their thoughts, feelings and body sensations. Again, when they get stuck, that’s the time to get help.
Katie encourages parents to model self-regulation to kids of all ages. For example, if a parents realizes he is rushed and stressed when trying to get out the door, he can say out loud, “I’m rushed and I’m feeling stressed. I’m telling myself to rush and that is making my heart beat faster and adding to my stress. It is not helping me. I’m going to change my thoughts to thinking, ‘do one thing at a time.’” Alternatively, the parent might say out loud, “I’m feeling stressed so I’m going to sit down and take three deep breaths.” In this situation, the child is witnessing the parent as he processes and provides a model for the child to follow. If the parent is too stressed to model self-regulation, the parent can say to the child that he is going to take a break to self-regulate and come back. Make sure the parent comes back after he is calmer.
Katie explained that you don’t have to be in the best space to model self-regulation, but if you want to initiate a talk about mental health with your kids, it is best to be in a state of curiosity and caring. The kid is the expert on what they are thinking and feeling. Parents should approach this topic like a student. The parent can say, “Here are some things I’m observing.” Kids can pick up when parent’s have agendas. Be open to learning from the child. In addition, the parent should convey that they have nowhere else to be and they are not rushing. The child is more likely to share when the parent communicates curiosity, calm, and caring. Katie stressed that parents should be ready to wait for a response. It takes time for brains to absorb a question, reflect on it and then have the courage and trust to go forward. She encourages parents to wait for an answer then add another 10 seconds of silence. Parents can count in their head slowly to ten while they are waiting for an answer.
Before a new school year begins, parents can help their children adjust by getting back into school routines. Before school starts, help the child get back into a regular sleeping patterns. Disrupted sleep can really impact kids. Katie added that adults can help by shifting into their school year routines. Katie recommends that when the new school ear approaches, build in a little time every day to talk about school. Adults should be in a curious mode for these discussions. Ask questions like, “I wonder what your teacher will be like” or “I wonder if you will play that dinosaur tag game again” or “I wonder how you are feeling about going into fourth grade.” Also, be sure to go to any introductory sessions before school starts. Signs that your child is feeling fearful or anxious about going to school include getting clingier or disrupted sleep.
Overall, Katie stressed the importance of talking to kids about mental health and the earlier you start, the better.
Katie Anderson is a licensed mental health counselor in Spokane. She has been practicing for fifteen years. She is currently the Clinical Director at The Tamarack Center, an adolescent psychiatric residential treatment center in Spokane. She previously provided individual and family therapy in community mental health and inpatient facilities, along with her private practice Lilac Mental Health PLLC.
Emalee Gillis is a writer and blog editor. She is the author of the memoir Adventures on the Path to Living Well with a Mental Illness and has a related TEDx Talk.