by Emalee Gillis, NAMI Spokane Blog Editor.
Jeanne Ekenberg, 64, once was so ill that she wanted to kill her child, but she recovered. Her life-long struggles with mental health conditions haven’t stopped her from earning an advanced degree, maintaining professional employment, marrying, and being a good mother.
When Jeanne was very young, she suffered from anxiety.
“In social situations, my aunt said she would find me behind the door and very fearful,” said Jeanne.
As she moved into her teenage years, her anxiety turned to depression. Her parents were afraid of her because she would have major tantrums at home.
“At 13, I made a suicide attempt by overdosing. I never ended up in the hospital or got treatment. My parents knew something was wrong with me but didn’t want to take me to get a diagnosis. My parents really didn’t want anyone to know that something was wrong with me. After the suicide attempt, I treated myself with alcohol and pot.”
Elementary through high school was challenging for Jeanne. She had serious attention problems and was always in the principal’s office.
“To this day, I don’t know my multiplication tables. I don’t know math. I don’t know the capitals,” said Jeanne.
Jeanne ended up at a different high school. She got into soccer, swimming, running, and biking.
“I didn’t do well in athletics, but I was exercising every day. It helped,” said Jeanne.
When she turned 18, her parents told her they wanted her out of the house. Jeanne met with a guidance counselor who helped her to apply to college.
“I got my bachelor’s degree only because I was so hyperactive. I bartended, waitressed, and worked as a nanny, but I still had periods of time when I was so depressed and suicidal. Other times I was hyper manic. Everyone in college thought I was on serious drugs because I was so hyperactive,” said Jeanne.
After earning her undergraduate degree, Jeanne went on to get a Masters in Social Work. During this time she suffered from depression, anxiety, and had daily thoughts of suicide, but remained untreated. After the birth of her first child, Jeanne became psychotic for the first time.
“I wanted to kill my baby,” said Jeanne. “I had thoughts of drowning him in the bathtub.”
A cousin of Jeanne got her into counseling. She was hospitalized for 21 days.
“During that time, I started to learn about my mental health and got to know other women who had mental health issues and I started to think I was okay.”
After her hospital stay, she got help with her baby, got on medications for the first time and worked as a mental health professional. At that point, her diagnosis was depression and PTSD.
Jeanne worked at a psychiatric hospital for eight year and after eight years, she hit a wall. She couldn’t stop crying. That is when she learned about NAMI and began attending NAMI’s support group for people with mental health conditions.
“At first, I didn’t really want to go to the support group. I thought people would be ignorant and smelly. What I found in the group were intelligent women, many who had college degrees and worked in professional fields. Others had to leave their jobs, not because they were bad, but because they struggled with chemical imbalance,” said Jeanne.
Jeanne found belonging in NAMI’s support group.
“People didn’t look at me like I was a leper. It was different. I was able to come out and really talk about things. I found out that I could have more than one diagnosis. I learned that medications could help, but they might not be enough. I learned that I could ask questions to my prescriber. NAMI gave me my voice back,” said Jeanne.
“NAMI gave me permission to be me,” continued Jeanne. “At NAMI I learned–So what if you have to take meds, have treatments, and get triggered. It doesn’t mean you are any less of a person. You have a voice and you need to use it.”
Just a few years ago, Jeanne was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was prescribed Lithium. When she got on Lithium, she stopped being suicidal. She had thought about suicide every day for most of her life and suddenly with Lithium, those thoughts were gone.
Jeanne’s mental health issues were hard on her marriages. Her first marriage ended in six months. Her second husband divorced her. She is now on her third marriage. During the first 10 or 15 years of her marriage to her current husband, she raged, had tantrums, and screamed at him. Since she has been on Lithium her whole relationship changed.
“When my husband annoys me, I just walk away. When we are about to get into an argument, I just don’t argue. Lithium gives me a chance to think before I act,” said Jeanne.
“Early in my marriage to my current husband, I would scream that I want to die right now,” continued Jeanne. “My husband would say that it was going to be okay and we are going to get past this together. We would go on our tandem bike I would be yelling that I didn’t want to ride, I wanted to die. He would say he knew and would just keep on biking.”
Jeanne is on a combination of four medications, including antidepressants and other medications that help her during the day with agitation.
Jeanne feels that her hyperactivity helped her with her clients.
“I was always very zealous for my clients, like a mama bear. When I worked at Eastern, I got the reputation that no one should get in the way of my client. They gave me the clients who were having a hard time because they knew I would go the extra mile for the client,” said Jeanne.
Jeanne also worked at the Union Gospel Mission, the Lakeside Recovery Center where she did addiction work, and CHAS.
Jeanne sees her mental health conditions as being transgenerational.
“My grandmother was very suicidal and had to have someone with her at all times. Both my parents had mental health conditions and there was violence in the household. I have it. I can see something in my grandkids. People want to focus on one person in the family. It is not one person. There are typically a lot of people in a family who struggle.”
Jenane now gives back to the NAMI community where she has found so much support. She tells her story as part of NAMI’s In You Own Voice program and plans to train for other NAMI programs. Much of her healing happened in the last few years, and she credits exercise, her relationship with her husband, her relationship with God, and NAMI as keys to her success.
To schedule an In Your Own Voice program for your organization, click here. To learn more about NAMI support program for those with mental health conditions or for the families of those with mental health conditions, click here.
Jeanne Ekenberg is a mental health professional and a substance use disorder professional. She has worked in this field all of her adult life.
Emalee Gillis is a writer and blog editor. She is the author of the memoir Adventures on the Path to Living Well with a Mental Illness and has a related TEDx Talk.